Wildcard: Awesome Terrible Analogies

The title says it all. These apparently came from the Washington Post, and are hilariously funny. Enjoy!

• He was as tall as a 6′3″ tree.

• The ballerina rose gracefully en pointe and extended one slender leg behind her, like a dog at a fire hydrant.

• The lamp just sat there, like an inanimate object.

• The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn’t.

• You know how in “Rocky” he prepares for the fight by punching sides of raw beef? Well, yesterday it was as cold as that meat locker he was in.

• I felt a nameless dread. Well, there probably is a long German name for it, like Geschpooklichkeit or something, but I don’t speak German. Anyway, it’s a dread that nobody knows the name for, like those little square plastic gizmos that close your bread bags. I don’t know the name for those either.

• Fishing is like waiting for something that does not happen very often.

• It hurt the way your tongue hurts after you accidentally staple it to the wall.

• The plan was simple, like my brother-in-law Phil. But unlike Phil, this plan just might work.

• The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get from not eating for a while.

• He felt like he was being hunted down like a dog, in a place that hunts dogs, I suppose.

• He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it.

• The revelation that his marriage of 30 years had disintegrated because of his wife’s infidelity came as a rude shock, like a surcharge at a formerly surcharge-free ATM.

• She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes just before it throws up.

• Her eyes were like two brown circles with big black dots in the center.

• He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck, either, but a real duck that was actually lame. Maybe from stepping on a land mine or something.